I’m one of those people who has always dreamt of traveling, of going far away and see how diverse the world is. I’ve dreamt of living a year in London and another in Paris, of traveling by train through Eastern Europe and end in Russia,admiring how different it is from my own country, only to finally arrive in Tokio and spend some quality time there. And more, I want to see more and then go back to the comfort of home and family. I dream of it, but I’ve never inmersed myself in my own wanderlust. I’ve never summoned the courage to do somthing like that. My fear and my anxieties have prevented me from doing what I’ve always wanted to do. For all those reasons, it is very important for me that I created a profile in au-pair world the other day. For some people, it is not that difficult to go and fight for what they want, for me it is a huge step even if I still don’t know if I’ll go. I’ve thought that maybe writting about the process here, about my fears and thoughts it would be easier for me to overcome my own limits and see things from a different perspective. I know I sound a lot of pessimistic and fearful here, I want to try writting from a different perspective, with more humor and optimism/realism.
…and much less when I have a cold. My head aches and I have a sore throat. When I feel this bad, my anxieties use to strick again and I start feeling mentally bad even if I had coped well with it for a long time. Memories of past mistakes, embarrasing moments and regrets come to me with renewed forces, but I try very hard to deal with them. I have been very depressed and suffering from anxiety for the past few years, and it cost me too much: I didn’t study, I didn’t do any writting, I almost didn’t go out and myh relationships deteriorated because I didn’t have any love or respect for myself. However, with time and help from a tehrapist I have been feeling better for this past year, but I’m still not where I want to be. I have never worked hard, now I do, now I work very hard to heal and do the things I know are going to do me good. I feel better, so much better than before. I feel as if I am more the real me than I have ever been since I was a small kid. Still, there is so much to do and so many challenges and so many fears…Even if I can’t face them, I now have more love and empathy towards my self, I try to be grateful and I try to be kind to myself. My inner monologue has totally changed, but still I can hear that fucking trolling voice inside me. I listen to it, but I’ve make a choice about it, that’s to say to it: fuck you.
Even if today I’m not feeling my best, I still want to cheer a little bit up and remember that I’m lucky to have a loving family, two or three friends and to be living in Beyoncé’s time.
I should not start a blog on a lazy Sunday, it just seems doomed to die sooner than later. However here I am, although I do not know what to write about. I like writting but I have zero self-discipline and maybe having a blog would help me not only being consistent and to write better and improve my written English, but also coping with my own mental rambles. Today this would be an introductory post, just to say “hello” to the internet.
There it is. Welcome to my new born blog, here you will find me rambling about my life and the stuff I like. I hope some of you find it entertaining, and if it can help you feel understood and less lonely, then I’d be more than glad.